Welcome to my new column, The Sincere Tier. I will be doing exactly as the name suggests: creating completely (il)legitimate, un(biased) tier lists based on my personal opinions. If you disagree, you will just have to accept that you’re wrong. My tier list begins with the S tier, the superior tier, and goes down in letter grades until reaching the F tier. Anything on the F tier should never have existed in the first place, in my humble opinion. But that’s enough introduction. Let’s dive into some actual content!
In this article, I will be creating a tier list ranking the most popular holidays of the year. I present to you, with no explanation (for now), the list:
Take a second to look it over and you’ll see it’s pretty straightforward. Some may say it is predictable, and others may think it’s controversial. Now onto the explanation.
Starting with the S tier, I think it’s obvious that Christmas holds this spot. According to a survey conducted in 2021, Christmas had a “popularity rating” of 77% among Americans. That is a pretty high number and for good reason. Just the thought of Christmas brings warmth into even the coldest of hearts (sources: Scrooge, the Grinch, etc.). The enchanting, snow-covered landscapes in December really work to solidify that delightful Christmas feeling. Decorating Christmas trees, hanging the lights, baking cookies, giving and receiving gifts, and spending quality time with family are just a few of the elements that make the holiday so special. You may have noticed I listed gifts before spending time with family. This is because I have priorities. Just kidding, extended family is my favorite genre of family.
Personally, this holiday is valuable to me because of the tradition my family upholds every year on Christmas Eve. The Feast of the Seven Fishes is an Italian-American tradition where seven different types of fish are prepared for our eating pleasure. Every Christmas Eve since I can remember, my uncle has arranged this decadent feast for our entire family. Although I was a picky eater as a child, I have grown to appreciate it far more now that I am able to enjoy diverse cuisine that extends beyond dino nuggets.
There is no doubt that Christmas deserves its spot on the S tier, and I have the support of the entire country of America when making this claim, so there is nothing even slightly controversial about it.
You may have noticed that Halloween sits right next to Christmas on the esteemed S tier. Halloween, in my opinion, is an extremely underrated and underappreciated holiday. What’s not to love about stuffing your face with preposterous amounts of confectionaries and traveling to countless strangers’ homes, pretending to be someone that you’re not? The vibes of this holiday cannot be beaten. Between the cooler (but not too cold) weather and the crunchy leaves littering the ground, the fall season solidifies the spooktastic Halloween vibes. There’s nothing better than curling up in your bed and watching horror movies in the dark, and Halloween is the one day of the year I can do this without being judged a sociopath.
Now, I have a bone to pick with Americans. According to the same statistic that stated Christmas was one of America’s favorite holidays, Halloween was actually ranked below both Labor Day and Memorial Day. Labor Day. And Memorial Day. You have got to be kidding me. I am no longer proud to be an American. But I will contain my rage for now because this article needs to get finished.
Down one tier, resting on the A tier, is Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is America’s second favorite holiday, and I agree wholeheartedly with their opinions on this matter. This day revolves solely around food, the uncharted eighth wonder of the world, so it comes as no surprise to me that Americans (myself included) love it. I can think of no better way to spend a day than stuffing your face full of moist, unseasoned turkey, casserole dishes made of ingredients that should not be in casserole form, and scrumdiddlyumptious apple pie (the superior pie). Beyond the mouth-watering food, Thanksgiving gives us time to look around and express our gratitude for all the things we are fortunate enough to have, like food on our plates and a roof over our heads. Sitting at a table that is much too small for the number of people eating at it will make you grateful for having elbow room at a typical dinner table as well.
As amazing as Thanksgiving is, it did not deserve a spot on the S tier for one reason: the holiday's history. For those of you who don’t know, Thanksgiving is modeled on a feast shared by English colonists (aka Pilgrims) of Plymouth and the Wampanoag people. While the story suggests that the English and the Wampanoags had a fine and dandy relationship and had a pleasant little feast together, it fails to acknowledge the reality: European explorers had been selling Wampanoags into overseas slavery since 1524, and the alliance they later created was based solely on necessity. That seems more than a little problematic to me. What a shame that this sensational holiday is marred with such a dark history.
Moving down to the B tier we have Easter. Like Thanksgiving, Easter is another holiday that revolves predominantly around food. I couldn’t possibly name a more exciting event than coming down the stairs as a young grasshopper and seeing a basket full of chocolate-flavored bowel destroyers wrapped in the prettiest pinks, blues, and yellows. For some bizarre reason, every child can just blindly accept the fact that a giant rabbit broke into their house while they slept and presented them with a basket of goodies. That’s realistic. But kids are stupid, so why not let them have their fun? And of course, we can’t forget the euphoria that comes from dying hard-boiled eggs the night before easter to impress the bunny with. This was undoubtedly my favorite part of the holiday as a child.
Now, as wonderful as all this sounds, I once again have my reasons for not placing this holiday at a higher tier. For one, I consistently failed at those bogus easter egg hunts, while it seemed that all the kids around me were making big bank (quarters were a big deal to a six-year-old). Where were they finding all of those eggs, and why couldn’t I find any? If you can’t tell, I am still salty about it. Secondly, no matter how you tailor an easter bunny costume, it is a physical impossibility to make it not terrifying to children. By children, I am referring to myself. The easter bunnies that are available for pictures at the mall should be illegal, and I strongly believe that kids who were traumatized by these monsters should be entitled to compensation.
Saint Patrick’s Day has been placed on the C tier. It’s pretty mid. However, there are elements that I enjoy about St. Patty’s Day. For one, the Irish know how to throw a party. If an Irishman is throwing a rager, you already know it’s going to slap. As an Irish person (a whopping 13%), I feel some type of connection to this holiday. My grandfather, a raging Irishman through and through, would completely deck out his house for St. Patty’s with flags, wreaths, pots of gold, and of course, potatoes. I’m just kidding about the potatoes. Actually, maybe I’m not. Anyway, my point is that this holiday brings back good memories that I have of my grandfather.
You may wonder why this holiday is placed so low on the tier list if I have such a deep, personal connection with it. Well, I have a story to tell. My kindergarten teacher, Mrs. Kilpatrick (note: “Patrick” = Irish), went above and beyond for this celebration. The night before Saint Patrick’s Day, we constructed a trap with the goal of capturing a leprechaun. We poured our heart and soul into this task, using sophisticated architectural elements that showcased genius far beyond our ages. We were all confident that we would be able to make leprechaun stew the next morning with our catch. Our hype was quickly followed by crushing devastation the next day when we entered the classroom to discover little green footprints (paper cut-outs deviously planted by our teacher) leading out of the obviously failed trap. How could we fumble this badly? The leprechaun had outsmarted us all, and it was not ok. I will never recover from the sadness that washed over me when I realized our concoction was unsuccessful. I was never unsuccessful. Up until now.
Next on my list is Valentine's Day. A beautiful holiday filled with candy, flowers, and love. If you aren’t single. If you are single, this holiday is nothing but a slap in the face and a reminder of your loneliness. It takes all the joy out of joyous things like chocolate and roses and leaves behind nothing but a dreadful emptiness. No, I’m not being dramatic. I’m just being real.
The thing I hate most about Valentine's Day is the insinuation that self-worth is based on your relationship status. The holiday conveys the message that in order to be a functioning, successful member of society you need to be in a relationship. This is OBVIOUSLY untrue because you are amazing and beautiful and you don’t need no man or woman to prove that. Period.
Before I get too carried away with affirmations, let's move on to the bottom tier. The most appalling, harrowing, unpleasant, ghastly tier. The F tier. This honor is bestowed on New Year's Eve. The only thing worse than problematic holiday history, chilling easter bunny impersonators, and flaunted leprechaun traps is a disturbance in my sleep schedule. This is absolutely unacceptable. There is no good reason to be shooting off fireworks at the late (or early?) hour of 12 am. First of all, does anyone actually enjoy watching fireworks? Every one of us is guilty of recording a fireworks show only to never watch the video again. The reason we never watch these videos is quite simple: fireworks are stupid and not worth your time. I would like to make it clear that I am NOT afraid of fireworks. They do NOT scare me. Not at all. Not even a little bit. Okay, maybe a little bit when I was younger. Or maybe a lot when I was younger. But certainly not anymore, because I am a grown woman who fears nothing. I AM NOT AFRAID OF THEM. I just wanted to make that known.
Anyway, with that, my explanation of the sincerest of tier lists concludes. Please note that this entire article is a joke, and if any part offended you then I am so sorry you feel that way. Thank you for taking the time to read this article in its entirety, I am grateful for your dedication to my new column. Stay tuned, because many more tier lists are to come!
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